Lie down with dogs…

Have you ever caught yourself engaging in out-of-character toxic behavior and realized you’re emulating someone in your life who plays a big role? You’ve probably caught their narcissistic fleas.

It’s from an old saying – When you lie down with dogs, you’re going to wake up scratching with fleas.

Narcissistic abuse leaves deep scars and traumas that often make us wonder if we’ve become narcissists ourselves.

Being criticized most of my life turned me into a critical person and I’ve always hated that part of me. It’s easy to unintentionally pick up behaviors from a toxic person. I had multiple abusers.

Narcissist abuse is a very specific abuse that is hard to overcome and it does a number on a person. It’s very hard to understand unless you’ve experienced it, and those of us who have, we just feel bonkers.

If you are recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, be gentle with yourself. Instead of “I should have known”, say “Now I know.” No one could have predicted what we went through and they fooled us.

This is your reminder that we are all on a journey and healing takes time. It’s also not a linear process and it’s very messy.

There’s nothing wrong with you, you were a target.

Why? Because you are awesome and some folks can’t handle that. You will triumph regardless.

(⊙‿⊙✿)

💖✌🏻

Stubbornness? 👍🏻

These 2 pics are from Mother’s Day, May 8, 2005, when we lived in our first house. I got an email from an online photo share service, my long forgotten account had been archived. I investigated it.

Juniper tree corpse.

The stump.

These photos show evidence of my Wasbund’s insanity. They tell a story.

I believe we had a disagreement about planting flowers and mowing that day, since it was Mother’s Day. He disappeared mid-argument. After about an hour, I got curious as to where he went since he wasn’t inside. I figured he’d calmed down and we could talk.

His car was still in the driveway. There were very few choices for him to go anywhere on foot. I went looking for him with the kids’ help. We called out for him. No response. I step outside and I walk from the front door in the direction of the driveway, while the kids hanged back on the porch.

As I got closer to the driveway, I could hear a noise to my right from the bushes. So I kept going. When I got closer to the corner of the bushes where the juniper tree was planted, at the corner of the house, I found him. He was crouched down close to the ground, squatting, behind the tree, furiously using his Swiss Army Knife’s saw blade to cut the juniper tree down. See pic.

Swiss Army Knife.

He had been working at it for an hour and had managed to cut halfway through the trunk.

I just looked at him, shook my head and went next door to borrow an ax. As I handed it to him, I told him the ax would work better than the knife. Then I went back inside. The kids laughed about it. My head just hurt. There wasn’t any reason for him to cut the tree down. They were supposed to be planting stuff for Mothers Day, not him removing landscaping trees.

These are the type of weird things that went on between us and how he behaved. I always feel like I was the crazy toxic one, but it wasn’t me. I was simply reacting to his abnormal behavior.

He thinks he got rid of everything I had saved about our life together. At the time, this seemed like a funny story to tell in our old age to the grandchildren. So I took the pics. I didn’t realize I was collecting evidence.

Luckily a lot of it can be tracked down on the internet. He didn’t have access to everything.

The Crying Game

I don’t like to cry because my Wasbund often said women only cry to manipulate men’s emotions, so I was conditioned to think I must be doing that when I cry due to being overwhelmed with emotion. He started telling me that the first time I cried over something he said I found hurtful. Red flag! 🚩

I was so traumatized by his disparaging comments about the first time I cried in front of him, the second time he made me cry, I ran from his room and hid in the back of my closet. He came looking for me with duct tape on his mouth, I didn’t want to come out. I felt like a 5 year old. I was 25 at the time.

He always seemed uncomfortable about me crying and it made me extremely self-conscious about it to the point I’d try to hide it when it happened.

This is a big thing for me to admit, because I have 29 years of history with him to unpack, and I am, unfortunately, still in the beginning stages of unpacking it all because I only realized his probable NPD a little over a year ago, March 27th.

I was very resistant to that notion because everyone is a narcissist these days, to hear most disgruntled exes. Anyone with a selfish, asshole ex is convinced they have a narcissist on their hands, so the idea pissed me off whenever it got brought up.

It got brought up a lot, though, by therapists and the few friendly folks left in my life. I didn’t think it was possible – 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙄 𝙩𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙝𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙨 𝙚𝙢𝙤𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙖𝙡 𝙚𝙢𝙥𝙖𝙩𝙝𝙮 – like most people do. He does not, he had me completely fooled. His emotions were always blunted and reserved. He’s always been an antisocial curmudgeon who hates people and is a complete dick. I just thought I was special. Turns out I wasn’t.

Once I made the connection, I can’t unsee it anymore. It’s like he has a handbook he’s following, it’s so fucking bizarre to deconstruct each interaction with him. It’d be fascinating, too, if it weren’t so frustrating. I can almost predict how the interactions will go.

But more than that, I’m having a hard time admitting that I allowed myself to be treated the way I had been, because during most of the time, it didn’t “feel” like abuse to me. Abuse to me is physically brutal. Not the psychological bullshit my Wasbund was engaged in. I also don’t put up with overt abuse and manipulation, the obvious stuff. I’m a sucker for the subtle, underhanded abuse apparently – because of the conditioning from my childhood where I was conditioned to tolerate the intolerable.

I prefer the familiar. I am a creature of comfort, as most of us are. He’s a lot like my father, as demonstrated over these past 4 years, just not in an overt way. He’s more nuanced and subtle. Passive aggressive where my father is just aggressive. He felt comfortable and familiar. And he lead me to believe he was a safe person for me. Nothing is farther than the truth.

My discovery of his likely NPD only made me start wondering who else in my life could be afflicted with it, but NPD is about as rare as bipolar disorder in the world population – only about 4% of people have it is what I read somewhere a while back, equally distributed between the sexes. That’s reality. But Narcissism is still a buzzword that garners a lot of attention, and they’re talking about taking it out of the DSM 5, if I recall correctly.

No, the world is not full of pwNPD*. Everyone has Narcissistic traits from time to time, and there’s nothing wrong with self confidence in the right circumstances. I strongly suspect my Wasbund has it as do some professionals “off-record”. They’re not allowed to diagnose non-patients, it’s not “professional” but I’ve been told the behaviors I’ve encountered from him are very “textbook” NPD.

I seem to attract a certain element into my life and that’s something I need to keep in mind as I move forward with my life. 12 years of horrific, brutal child abuse that trauma bonded me to my family, 26 years living with my Wasbund and I’m likely trauma bonded to him as well, yay, go me. So a total of 16 good years out of 54 total so far? Meh.

I’m not keeping quiet anymore.

*People With Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Strategies for surviving a divorce from a narcissist

Oh no, not another article about narcissists. Relax…

4/3/2023 would have been our 28th wedding anniversary. I’ve been dealing with our extremely contentious divorce since August 2019. My Wasbund suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so it’s been a rather stressful ordeal. I’m still trying to extricate myself from his tangled mess of a life.

It’s doubly more stressful because he wanted the divorce, it was the key to his happiness he said I’d been holding him back from for 25 years at the time, citing my physical disability (which didn’t affect him) as the reason he was so unhappy. He has obstructed the process at every opportunity since then, because he’s angry I divorced him like he wanted me to. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dealing with a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can be nerve wracking, especially during a divorce where property division and minor children are involved. Narcissists have a sense of entitlement, and they may feel as if they deserve more than their fair share of the marital assets.

Here are some strategies to help you get through a divorce from a narcissist:

1. Stay calm: Dealing with a narcissistic person can be frustrating and emotionally draining, but try to remain calm and composed. Avoid reacting to their provocations or engaging in arguments that are unlikely to lead to a positive outcome.
2. Focus on your goals: When dealing with a narcissistic person, it’s important to stay focused on your goals and priorities. Avoid getting sidetracked by their attempts to provoke or manipulate you.
3. Communicate clearly and assertively: Be clear about what you want, and communicate it in a calm and assertive manner. Avoid using vague or emotional language, and stick to the facts. Communicate in writing whenever possible and keep meticulous records.
4. Use logic and reason: Narcissists often respond well to logic and reason. Use a logical argument to explain why it’s in everyone’s best interest to cooperate.
5. Appeal to their self-interest: Narcissists are often motivated by their self-interest. Try to frame the conversation in a way that shows them how cooperating will benefit them in the long run.
6. Set boundaries: Be firm about what you’re willing and unwilling to accept. Set clear boundaries, and stick to them.
7. Seek mediation: Consider hiring a mediator who specializes in dealing with NPD. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and keep the conversation on track.
8. Seek legal advice: If all else fails, consider seeking legal advice. A divorce attorney can help you navigate the legal system and ensure that your rights are protected.

It’s important to prioritize your own well-being and safety when dealing with a narcissistic person. If you feel threatened or unsafe, seek help from a professional or law enforcement. It’s best to stay calm, assertive, and focused on the task at hand. I also recommend therapy, for you. They typically avoid mental health services.

My struggle continues with extricating myself from my Wasbund’s clutches. I just hope this post is helpful to someone out there in cyberspace. 💖